Why talking about intimacy may be one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself—and your relationship
In this article
Most of us learn how to communicate from a very young age. We learn to say "please" and "thank you." We learn how to express our opinions, how to apologise and how to solve disagreements. We learn to talk about work, money, children, politics and health. Some of us even learn how to talk about our emotions.
But there is one conversation that almost nobody teaches us to have. The conversation about intimacy.
Not because it isn't important. Quite the opposite.
Intimacy is one of the few parts of life that can influence how connected, loved, confident and emotionally secure we feel. It can strengthen relationships, reduce stress, increase wellbeing and remind us that we are more than our daily responsibilities.
Yet for something that touches almost every adult's life, we spend remarkably little time learning how to talk about it. Instead, many of us learn through silence. Through assumptions. Through films. Through social media. Through pornography. Through trial and error. Or, perhaps most often, by simply hoping our partner somehow knows what we need.
Unfortunately, hope is a poor substitute for communication. And silence rarely creates understanding.
Why We Find It So Difficult
The strange thing is that almost everyone experiences intimacy, yet many people feel uncomfortable talking about it. Why? Because for generations, sex has often been surrounded by embarrassment, shame or secrecy. Some of us grew up in families where it simply wasn't discussed. Others received messages that sex was something to be careful with, something private, or even something to feel guilty about.
Even today, conversations about intimacy are often reduced to jokes, stereotypes or unrealistic images. We rarely learn the language that lies somewhere in between—the language of curiosity, of respect, of honest conversation.
And when we don't have that language, silence becomes the easiest option. Unfortunately, silence has a habit of creating distance where openness could have created closeness.
💡 Research Insight
Researchers have found that emotional safety and open communication contribute just as much to relationship satisfaction as physical attraction. Feeling safe enough to be honest may be one of the most intimate experiences of all.
Researchers consistently find that couples who communicate openly about their sexual relationship report higher levels of both sexual satisfaction and overall relationship satisfaction than couples who avoid the topic. A large meta-analysis published in The Journal of Sex Research concluded that sexual communication is one of the strongest and most consistent predictors of satisfying intimate relationships.
Perhaps that isn't so surprising. The better we understand each other, the easier it becomes to care for each other.
The First Conversation isn't With Your Partner
When people think about intimacy, they often ask the same question: "How do I tell my partner what I like?" It's an important question. But perhaps it isn't the first one.
The first conversation is with yourself. Because how can we explain our desires if we have never taken the time to discover them?
Many of us know surprisingly little about our own bodies. Not because we don't care. Simply because nobody ever encouraged us to be curious. We learn how to keep our bodies healthy—what to eat, how to exercise, how to protect our skin, how to care for our teeth. Yet very few of us ever learn how our own bodies experience pleasure.
What kind of touch helps us relax? When do we feel emotionally connected? What makes us feel desired? What makes us withdraw? Where do we enjoy being touched? What creates excitement, what creates comfort?
These aren't embarrassing questions. They're part of getting to know yourself. And self-knowledge is one of the greatest gifts you can bring into a relationship.
Because intimacy isn't something another person creates for us. It's something we create together.
Curiosity is an Act of Self-Respect
Some people hear the word curiosity and immediately think about trying something new. But curiosity begins much earlier than that. It begins by paying attention. Listening to your body. Noticing what feels comfortable. Recognising what doesn't. Giving yourself permission to slow down instead of rushing towards a goal.
There is no universal definition of pleasure. Every body is different. Every relationship is different. And what feels wonderful at thirty may feel completely different at fifty or seventy. That isn't a problem to solve. It's simply part of being human.
Curiosity allows us to keep discovering ourselves throughout life—not because we are searching for something that is missing, but because we continue to grow.
💡 Research Insight
Studies suggest that people who understand their own preferences, boundaries and responses tend to report higher levels of sexual wellbeing and confidence. Maybe that's because understanding ourselves is often the first step towards allowing someone else to understand us.
The Conversation that Brings us Closer
Once we begin to understand ourselves, another question naturally follows: how do we tell the person we love? For many couples, that's where things become difficult—not because they don't trust each other, but because they've never learned the language.
Talking about intimacy can feel surprisingly vulnerable. What if my partner takes it personally? What if I hurt their feelings? What if they think they're doing something wrong? So instead of speaking, we often start guessing. We hope our partner will somehow notice what we enjoy. Or we stay quiet because we don't want to disappoint them.
Unfortunately, silence rarely brings two people closer. Honest conversations do. And those conversations don't have to begin with problems—in fact, they work best long before anything feels wrong.
Imagine asking your partner questions like:
"What makes you feel most connected to me?"
"Is there something you've always wanted to try?"
"When do you feel most relaxed?"
"What makes you feel truly desired?"
None of these questions are about performance. They're invitations to discover each other. Again and again. Because people change. Bodies change. Life changes. And relationships that keep asking curious questions often continue growing together.
💡 Research Insight
Research consistently shows that couples who communicate openly about intimacy report higher levels of relationship satisfaction, trust and emotional connection than couples who avoid the subject. Perhaps that's because feeling heard is just as important as feeling touched.
How to Start the Conversation
The good news? You don't need the perfect words. You don't need a relationship therapist sitting at the kitchen table. And you certainly don't need to turn it into a serious "we need to talk" conversation.
In fact, the best conversations about intimacy often begin in the smallest moments—while walking the dog, over a glass of wine, during a long drive, or simply while lying next to each other before falling asleep. The goal isn't to solve anything. The goal is simply to become curious.
Before you begin the conversation, it helps to remember one important thing: there is no right or wrong when it comes to intimacy. Only different experiences, different desires, different boundaries, different ways of feeling loved, connected and desired.
The goal isn't to convince your partner that your way is the right way. And it isn't to change yourself to fit someone else's expectations. The goal is simply to understand each other a little better than you did yesterday.
Because intimacy isn't about following rules. It's about creating a space where both people feel respected, accepted and free to be themselves. Perhaps respect is the most intimate language of all.
Try asking open questions—not questions that can be answered with "yes" or "no." Questions like:
What makes you feel closest to me?
When do you feel most relaxed together?
Is there something you've always wanted to try, but never mentioned?
What do you enjoy most about our intimate moments?
Is there anything we could do differently—not because it's wrong, but because we're still learning?
Notice something? None of these questions begin with criticism. They begin with curiosity. And curiosity creates a very different conversation—one where neither person has to defend themselves, only discover each other.
💡 Research Insight
Relationship researchers have found that couples who approach difficult conversations with curiosity rather than criticism are more likely to strengthen trust and emotional connection. Perhaps the best conversations aren't about finding the right answers. Perhaps they're about asking better questions.
The Joy Thought
Perhaps the greatest intimacy we can experience isn't found in a perfect kiss. Or a perfect orgasm. Or a perfect relationship. Perhaps it begins much earlier—the moment we become curious enough to understand ourselves, the moment we feel safe enough to let someone else understand us.
Because every meaningful conversation starts with a single question. And every lasting relationship grows through thousands of them.
So don't be afraid to ask. Don't be afraid to listen. And don't be afraid to discover that, even after years together, there's still so much to learn about each other.
The most beautiful relationships aren't built on knowing everything. They're built on never stopping being curious.
It starts with you.
That's something we believe in, too.
References & Further Reading
- Mallory, A. B., Stanton, A. M., & Handy, A. B. (2019). Couples' Sexual Communication and Dimensions of Sexual Function: A Meta-Analysis. The Journal of Sex Research, 56(7), 882–898. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30777780/
- Nagoski, E. (2024). Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.
- Brotto, L. A. (2018). Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire.
- Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2019). Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love.
- World Health Organization. (2006). Defining Sexual Health: Report of a Technical Consultation on Sexual Health. World Health Organization. Read the report
